[space launch]

ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem

ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned

ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems

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*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.


Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.


Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?


I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.


Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind


Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.


To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.


“Wow there are a lot of non-brown people in Gaza.” – anyone tuning into Ferguson coverage late


When I was 16 years old, the morning of my birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed.


Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.