Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
space republicans decree: if alien lifeform implants a egg in ur face,u must carry it to term. perhaps wear a less enticing helmet next time
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Wife: OMG the baby just swallowed some Scrabble tiles!
Me: Which ones?
Wife: BLTOUR & E
Me: Well, that could spell trouble
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Quick question: How many bowls of mac and cheese can you eat during a Skype job interview before you look unprofessional?
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys.
You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Me: So, Construction?
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
M: Like to screw?
M: Hey! Where are you going?