@ingmarbirdman

space republicans decree: if alien lifeform implants a egg in ur face,u must carry it to term. perhaps wear a less enticing helmet next time

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@Playing_Dad

Wife: OMG the baby just swallowed some Scrabble tiles!
Me: Which ones?
Wife: BLTOUR & E
Me: Well, that could spell trouble

@PaperWash

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Quick question: How many bowls of mac and cheese can you eat during a Skype job interview before you look unprofessional?

@iinkedZombie

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

@Reverend_Scott

Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys.

You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.

@Adar79Angie

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

@Marlebean

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

@jctwritesstuff

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?