@ingmarbirdman: space republicans decree: if alien lifeform implants a egg in ur face,u must carry it to term. perhaps wear a less enticing helmet next time
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@OkieGirl405: My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I'm kind of scared, I don't speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
@heatherlou_: My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
@david8hughes: [at the mall] "Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?" "Of course." [leans in to mic] "Goodbye you little shit."