[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
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*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…