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@JediGigi

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

@daemonic3

professor x: whats your mutant power

me: i can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try [points up] 2 pulls

professor x: [stands up and pulls twice] not bad, but not a power

me: i’m kidding, i can heal paraplegics

professor x: [still standing] holy shit

@Shawn_spree

Cry if you missed someone.

Try to shoot them again before they leave.

@abbycohenwl

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

@DaddyJew

My boss doesn’t know it yet but we’re in the middle of an intense game of hide and seek

@noneofyours99

I showed my family facebook a few years ago, and haven’t heard from them since.

Best decision ever

@PleaseBeGneiss

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

@causticbob

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

@DadandBuried

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

@TheThryll

You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.