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Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.


professor x: whats your mutant power

me: i can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try [points up] 2 pulls

professor x: [stands up and pulls twice] not bad, but not a power

me: i’m kidding, i can heal paraplegics

professor x: [still standing] holy shit


Cry if you missed someone.

Try to shoot them again before they leave.


How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life


My boss doesn’t know it yet but we’re in the middle of an intense game of hide and seek


I showed my family facebook a few years ago, and haven’t heard from them since.

Best decision ever


I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face


BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.


Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.


You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.