[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
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Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.