[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
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When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
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me: [3 months later] i’m ok
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king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
This fish is cracking me up
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
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Me: Secretly? No.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
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Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
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Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
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*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”