Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

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A heart shaped bed is only romantic because you have to snuggle, or both of you would have your feet hanging off the end of the bed, and they’d be his ‘n hers demon bait, and that wouldn’t be very romantic to most people who like heart shaped beds.


It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display


Try to not fall in love with me, neighbors who can hear me spring cleaning at 4am.


I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.


Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?


Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.


[installing program]
Operation Status: 1 min left
Me: Yes! Finally!

*30 minutes later*

Operation Status: 60 mins left
Me: Wait. What?


The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.


A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame & place it on the mantel at the party.


Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.