Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
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What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
The Assassin.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Peace was never an option
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
#SaturdayBears
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.