Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
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[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
absolutely not
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.