Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
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Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
this has become my life
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
You have changed my morals completely with your reply, batshit crazy internet stranger
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap 8 people at once.