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Me: ahh that’s right
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
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hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I didn’t realise how tiny my wife is until I took her favourite sweater out of the dryer
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
ME AT 15: oh no climate change is going to kill me
ME AT 25: good