“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump

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Me: ahh that’s right


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hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?

me: I guess me

hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you

me: that feels like even more reason to tell me


I didn’t realise how tiny my wife is until I took her favourite sweater out of the dryer


Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.


Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.


I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?


Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.


Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.