“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
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Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
i want to work in this restaurant
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
A friend helps you before you need it
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.