@erikbransteen

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump

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@Rollmaninoz

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@TheAndrewNadeau

hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?

me: I guess me

hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you

me: that feels like even more reason to tell me

@SamNonTheWiser

I didn’t realise how tiny my wife is until I took her favourite sweater out of the dryer

@PaperWash

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

@ThanosSmiling

Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.

@TheRolo

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

@nicfit75

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

@girl_a_whirl

Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.