@erikbransteen

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump

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@junejuly12

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

@spikeWilton67

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

@jellybnbonanza

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

@ThisLocalHater

You have changed my morals completely with your reply, batshit crazy internet stranger

@daemonic3

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

@sixfootcandy

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Wife: Let me do the talking

Cop: No, I’ll do the talking

Me: Why is your wife even with you

Cop: There you go, I said this would happen

@doktorj

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

@MeetYourDaddy

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap 8 people at once.