Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
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Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
When he asks for feet pics
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.