@bighandsmassuer
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
@AnkCoupleTO
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
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@bighandsmassuer
@isabelzawtun
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
@Prero22
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
@JaneBadall
Babe, does this mole look suspicious to you?
*Points at mole wearing sunglasses and a raincoat*
@CheryeDavis
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
@joejwest
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
@Skoogeth
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
@tiemoose
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
@spaceboyriley
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know Iβm a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
@crocodilethumbs
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent