@ChrisThayerSays
me when I see my crush
@AnkCoupleTO
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
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@ChrisThayerSays
@HitCockBottom
Me at Subway telling them what I want on my sandwich
@Kyle_Lippert
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
@markedly
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
@dadtellsjokes
How do mermaids call their friends ?
With their shell phone!
@LuvPug
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
@LackOfShame
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
@Book_Krazy
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
@FredTaming
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling