*speaks at high school graduation*

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Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.


INTERVIEWER: what makes you different?
ME: *begins levitating*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: *whispering to my pet chameleons* nice work guys


Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.


HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs


Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.


Try to imagine pugs living in the wild, just roaming in the forest in packs.


As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.


Any girl who says she’s not the jealous type will change her tune when another girl phones you drunk at 3am.