@zachv86

*speaks at high school graduation*

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@JediGigi

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

@notacroc

INTERVIEWER: what makes you different?
ME: *begins levitating*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: *whispering to my pet chameleons* nice work guys

@BDGarp

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

@Jandalize

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

@tastefactory

Try to imagine pugs living in the wild, just roaming in the forest in packs.

@AmericanGent69

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.

@myles_morrison

Any girl who says she’s not the jealous type will change her tune when another girl phones you drunk at 3am.