There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
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I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.