@AnkCoupleTO

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

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@AnkCoupleTO

[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo

@BuckyIsotope

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

@TheToddWilliams

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

@ericsshadow

“dad, what does extravagant mean?”

idk son. why don’t you …

[i turn to my wife using $100 bills to light the fireplace]

ask your mother

@doktorj

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

@mrjohndarby

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

@upsidedowntrash

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

@iGreenMonk

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

@Home_Halfway

Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends