Cat on a sun roof
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
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HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
“dad, what does extravagant mean?”
idk son. why don’t you …
[i turn to my wife using $100 bills to light the fireplace]
ask your mother
Me: Good night Moon
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™
CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends