[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
You Might Also Like
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
can I use a minion as a tampon
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Jail