@Brentweets

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

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@MindyFurano

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

@Poutymcgee

I was in a cafe the other day when I overheard this:

“Can you please stop listening to our conversation?”

@just1fool

If you can’t handle me at my worst then you are tolerable of the right amount of bullshit.

@climaxximus

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

@SteveKoehler22

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

@Shock_Monster

The bravest thing you can do is change & the weakest is to settle for comfort.

But, seriously, that remote is really far from the couch.

@justabloodygame

*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*