Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
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She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Scream sneezers need love too.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food