Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

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Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.


I was in a cafe the other day when I overheard this:

“Can you please stop listening to our conversation?”


If you can’t handle me at my worst then you are tolerable of the right amount of bullshit.


young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?


No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.


The bravest thing you can do is change & the weakest is to settle for comfort.

But, seriously, that remote is really far from the couch.


*detective bangs on table*
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*