@fro_vo

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

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I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

@jctwritesstuff

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Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

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{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

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A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

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@UncleBob56

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.