[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
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In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
step 6: release the wall snake
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.