[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?

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I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?


[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…


{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.


Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk


Wife: You’re shirtless?
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.


A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.


I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?


Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.