[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
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WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
*looks at you in batman voice*
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion