[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
You Might Also Like
😂💯
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
These work great until they don’t.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
the simulation is moving too fast
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.