[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
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Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.