*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
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Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*