“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
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I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
If you breakdance you buy dance.