an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
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Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me as a therapist: omg same
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Ape together strong
Good advice.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no