[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
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Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Tell me you get it…🤣
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me