Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
necessity is the mother of invention
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
#MeanwhileinCanada
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
“our sushi is very fresh”
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”