Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3

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Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.


My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”


OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail


DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does


Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!


I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*


Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.


She brings out the best in me and there’s just no way I’m putting up with that


Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats


Never judge Darth Vader’s parenting abilities harshly when we live in a world where Toddlers In Tiaras exists.