Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@myonlymizztake

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

@junejuly12

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

@SirEviscerate

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

@Donnie_Fairburn

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

@PaperWash

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

@patrickoriley

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

@JasonLastname

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

@tsm560

She brings out the best in me and there’s just no way I’m putting up with that

@shutupmikeginn

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

@OreoSpeedwagon_

Never judge Darth Vader’s parenting abilities harshly when we live in a world where Toddlers In Tiaras exists.