[speed dating, today]

him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!

*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?

Steve: what?

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her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever


*boss at staff meeting*

Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting?

Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.


Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack


Wife: um our son has drawn a picture of Batman and Spider-Man beating someone up

Me: Oh no that’s so wrong!

Wife: I know!

Me: You don’t mix up Marvel and DC


*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”


ME: how do u get girls
SCUMBAG GUY: gotta brag about the size of ur, ya know…organ
[later at the bar]
ME: hey baby i got a real big colon


Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.


If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?