[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
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I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.