her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
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*boss at staff meeting*
Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting?
Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Wife: um our son has drawn a picture of Batman and Spider-Man beating someone up
Me: Oh no that’s so wrong!
Wife: I know!
Me: You don’t mix up Marvel and DC
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
ME: how do u get girls
SCUMBAG GUY: gotta brag about the size of ur, ya know…organ
[later at the bar]
ME: hey baby i got a real big colon
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
ADHD is ADD in high definition.