interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
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The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
WHY would you be happy about this?
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Cartman: Respect my
a a
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.