[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
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I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Happy thanksgiving!
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Confused owl: What?!
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…