Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
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Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude