Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
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i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I sure get a lot of compliments on my people skills for someone who flips off 10 people every day.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!
[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *
My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
16 Y.O. employee: “There’s a dirty diaper outside. What do I do with it?”
Me: “Is there a live baby in it?”
Me: “Throw it away.”
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?