[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
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Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Pat is about to own someone
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.