[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
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I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
had to share :’)
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”