[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
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ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.