@ShortSleeveSuit

[speed dating]

Her: Nice to meet you

Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION

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@squirrel74wkgn

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

@TheBoydP

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

@NotZaphod

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

@Sickayduh

CVS clerk: Receipt?
Me: Sure
*God uses 2 fingers to gently close the eyes of an entire rain forest*

@not_delicate

[Looking at something funny on my phone]

Husband: Let me see?
Me: Of course. One second.

[Resets phone to factory settings]

Me: Here you go.

@seamussaid

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

@_mindflakes

(boom boom clap)
(boom boom clap)
Daisy you’re a dog you’re a good dog
Playing in the park
Gonna eat some cool bugs today

@TheWoodenslurpy

I thought I saw Jesus in a cookie. But I was wrong. It was just a guy who looked like him.

@Darlainky

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

@djdarrellripley

*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!