[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
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Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks