[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
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*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Meowchelangelo
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”