[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
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When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Some people were born into their job.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
I’m listening
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
A bold strategy
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad