@dugglebutt

*speed dating*

Her: What do you do for a living

Me: I’m a truck driver

Her: …oh…

Me: A food truck driver

Her: here’s my number

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@Divergentmama

My husband was so excited about his new hoodie coming in the mail yesterday.

Then he went to work and didn’t take it.

Now I’m really excited about my new hoodie.

@mellimelle

In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.

@girl_a_whirl

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

@BunAndLeggings

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

@JoParkerBear

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

@junejuly12

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

@itsnashflynn

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

@geekmaude

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

@SirJeremyLondon

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

@Schmoodles

I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website.

– White.
– Good condition.
– Reliable.
– Cheap.
– Some evidence of rear end damage.