Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
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No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Breaking news:
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”