My husband was so excited about his new hoodie coming in the mail yesterday.
Then he went to work and didn’t take it.
Now I’m really excited about my new hoodie.
Her: What do you do for a living
Me: I’m a truck driver
Me: A food truck driver
Her: here’s my number
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In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website.
– Good condition.
– Some evidence of rear end damage.