[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
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*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Had to try this trend 😊
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
My favorite farside!!
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder