why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
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The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story