4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
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Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Time for evil
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?