[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
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[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Go hard or stay average
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting