@LeBearGirdle

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

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@BryMastas

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

@arcadeseals

son: brent from school is bullying me

me: ask your teacher for help

[school]

son: miss roberts, will you help me beat up brent

@drayzze

This motel air conditioner has seen some things…

@Getnosexual

My parenting life wavers between “Be original and true to yourself” and “Please don’t make the school psychologist call me again this week”.

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out

@XplodingUnicorn

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

@Book_Krazy

Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?

9: You

Me: What about me?

9: You won’t think its as funny as we do

@TheHyyyype

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late