*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

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Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.


son: brent from school is bullying me

me: ask your teacher for help


son: miss roberts, will you help me beat up brent


This motel air conditioner has seen some things…


My parenting life wavers between “Be original and true to yourself” and “Please don’t make the school psychologist call me again this week”.



GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out


Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.


Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?

9: You

Me: What about me?

9: You won’t think its as funny as we do


[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late