@LeBearGirdle

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

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@KattsDogma

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

@JediGigi

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

@KeetPotato

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

@MCaparco

Jesus??? Nah, Vishnu is my copilot…he’s got like 4 arms.

@_ultranoob

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

@YoungNobler

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

@okimstillhungry

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

@TheUnrealMattR

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

@missekay

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work