*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

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10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.


[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.


me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”


Jesus??? Nah, Vishnu is my copilot…he’s got like 4 arms.


having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex


Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.


Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.


My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,


‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work