Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
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son: brent from school is bullying me
me: ask your teacher for help
son: miss roberts, will you help me beat up brent
This motel air conditioner has seen some things…
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
My parenting life wavers between “Be original and true to yourself” and “Please don’t make the school psychologist call me again this week”.
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
me: you’re late