*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
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My friend is an excellent librarian.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
When does CPR become necrophilia?
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Beware of the dog..
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe