@dhumann

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

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@sock_holliday

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

@MelvinofYork

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

@batkaren

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

@Mouthy_

Three people I never mess with:n1- PMSing women.n2- Truck drivers.n3- PMSing truck drivers.

@Kyle_Lippert

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

@3sunzzz

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

@Prof_Hinkley

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable

@happymilly1

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

@vornietom

People who say “don’t hate the player hate the game” are working under the wildly false assumption that I am unable to hate 2 things at once

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*