‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
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[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
People who say “don’t hate the player hate the game” are working under the wildly false assumption that I am unable to hate 2 things at once
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*