*Witnesses an awkward moment* starts a slow clap* sees that nobody is joining me* pretends like I’m trying to kill mosquitoes*
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
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I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I only treason on days ending in y
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-
[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.