@dhumann

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

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@romiza_

*Witnesses an awkward moment* starts a slow clap* sees that nobody is joining me* pretends like I’m trying to kill mosquitoes*

@Darlainky

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

@thequeensheart

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

@MelanieMeljo

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

@WritePlay

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.

@ColorMeScradd

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

@UncleDuke1969

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.