@dhumann

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

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@jonnysun

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

@crunchenhancer

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

@DaddyBeerGuy

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

@RidiculousSheri

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

@shahnischmani

I JUST CONSUMED SO MUCH SUGAR THAT I FEEL ALL SHOUTY IN MY HEAD AND CAPS LOCKY AND HOLY CRAP HOW DO PEOPLE DO ACTUAL DRUGS

@CulturedRuffian

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

@ilovepie84

“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.

@sixfootcandy

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

@Paul_Eaton1

Everyone knows someone in real life that actually resembles a garden gnome.

@Schmoodles

Whenever I meet a guy named Paul, I ask if it’s short for Paula, then I laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & making friends is hard. ūüôĀ