[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
You Might Also Like
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Best mom ever 😂
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
couldn’t resist
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”