[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

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[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”


Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing


If a vampire bites his tongue, does his tongue become a vampire? Tongpire?


Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄


I think I might have a shower.


Yes, I have a shower.


Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?


Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.


So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*


Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”