[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
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it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
My purse is deeper than some people.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.