[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
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Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house