[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

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Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.


I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.


The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.


Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.


Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails


My kids are in Karate class and I’m just sitting here thinking that I could kick the shit out of half these 6 year olds.


I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself


Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.


Coworker: I like working with you. I feel like I can really talk to you

Me: I’m sorry I gave you that impression. That’s not correct