Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
You Might Also Like
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
My kids are in Karate class and I’m just sitting here thinking that I could kick the shit out of half these 6 year olds.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Coworker: I like working with you. I feel like I can really talk to you
Me: I’m sorry I gave you that impression. That’s not correct
My family leaves lights on that I didn’t even know we had.