@mydmac

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

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@nyctwon

I feel creepy every time I ‘follow’ someone. Where are they going to take me? I hope its somewhere good

@TheToddWilliams

[date]

HER: So, are you religious?

FRANKENSTEIN: I’m part Catholic

HER: Oh…your mother or your father?

FRANKENSTEIN: My foot

@chuuew

[serving dinner]

ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?

WIFE: Flambé?

ME: I’ve flambéd your soup

@TheTonyHowell

My wife just told me to go to hell, anyone else need anything from Walmart?

@deardilettante

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

@Reverend_Scott

DAD: Your mother and I love you very much, and I’m not sure how to tell you this, but… you’re adopted.

DOG: OMG THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE

@JillianKarger

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

@TheFunnyWorId

Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?

He pastaway.

Cannoli do so much.

Now hes just a pizza history.

@Bluestmoon_

My neighbors wifi isn’t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?