*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
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4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]