I feel creepy every time I ‘follow’ someone. Where are they going to take me? I hope its somewhere good
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
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Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
HER: So, are you religious?
FRANKENSTEIN: I’m part Catholic
HER: Oh…your mother or your father?
FRANKENSTEIN: My foot
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
My wife just told me to go to hell, anyone else need anything from Walmart?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
DAD: Your mother and I love you very much, and I’m not sure how to tell you this, but… you’re adopted.
DOG: OMG THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?
Cannoli do so much.
Now hes just a pizza history.
My neighbors wifi isn’t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?