*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
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Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay