@RiotGrlErin

[speed dating]

them: describe yourself in 6 wor—

me: the spaghetti stained tupperware of people

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@ShortSleeveSuit

BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite

DAVID:

ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?

DAVID:

ME: ?? ?????? ??? ???

@LackOfShame

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

@weirdralph

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

@Staggfilms

BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.

BAILIFF: Your FULL name.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.

@ActualHuman01

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

@SkinnerSteven

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

@BitterOldPunk

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

@MomOnFire

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

@AmericanGent69

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.