going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
them: describe yourself in 6 wor—
me: the spaghetti stained tupperware of people
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BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
ME: ?? ?????? ??? ???
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.