My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
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Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
reduce, reuse, recycle
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
🤣could you imagine
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow